guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
