what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He better not be in your backpack
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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