how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
