I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
