why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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