If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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