So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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