just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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