i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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