On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
