I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
