have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
