They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
