when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
