I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
