Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
