Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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