The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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