Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
