my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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