Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
