Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she told me i tasted like america
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
