There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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