Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
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He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
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They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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