Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
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Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
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FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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