even my farts smell like vagina
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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