John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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