bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
