I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
