I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
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There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
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She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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