so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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