I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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