Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it was like eating out sand paper
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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