You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
