I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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