My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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