just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
