last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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