Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
