i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
