Betty ford says i'm here all night
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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