you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
