"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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