The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
