every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
