im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
