I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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