at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
