my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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