She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
