If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
