I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
