I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
