and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
