i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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