2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
