i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
