Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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